New Year Eve

Well its fast approaching and so is a rather shitty weather front, I had just finished Obi first morning walk from Hove beach front to the Marina at the bottom of Whitehawk estate i do get so carried away with the beautiful sea, the waves crashing on to the rocks below, its so loud and natural.

All other sound traffic, voice and Amusements are drowned out completely its only you the sea and the passing seagulls who know the sea's melody, many years ago I would choose these times to stand by the shore the wind howling around me and some times scream, cry and sing my heart out, only you sea and seagulls, well now I have to add Obi he woofs into the wind.

Its only 9:30pm and I am feeling fed up its cold and wet outside and I really want to go out but am I being harsh on Obi? I know the boy would fallow me to hell and back, and I cant think of anyone better than him at this time to celebrate a new begging than my companion Oberon.

Nicola told me that the last bus that I can use my pass on is 11:35pm to the beach well even if its raining I can get of a Kemp town and walk with Obi to the arches along the sea front and have cover, but then if it continues to rain then we are going to get wet a fair bit, the question is it worth it?

Hell yeah I think its time I took charge of my life, all part of the self healing, so far the smoking is now going on 7 days with no tobacco at all and no patches just the none tabac nicotine cigs, and its working I get the feeling and panic but I am in control of it. br />

Some other things are happening which are really nice and I can't wait for the new year, I am so lucky to have good family, friends and things to do in the coming month of January, all there is to say Happy new year and may the eyes of fate smile upon you and me welcome new Horizons xxxx

Living with Family

Well me and Obi arrived no more than 4 days ago, both of us J and me looked uncomfortable and edgy in each others company, J had got her sister to come with us, which was of good support to J but for me it was less space in the car for my stuff, I had left behind my massage table, computer and some bags, its interesting the stuff I wanted to bring I did not find space for.

I don't think a single day has gone by where I have not been awake to the early hours of the morning as of now its 1:28am and I am listening to Mysterious universe though I should get out of that thinking and get to sleep at a more reasonable time, and I need to eat some proper food, I am not eating much.

Since I have moved back to Brighton I been taking Obi out for long sea walks, from the bottom of Whitehawk and walk along to the Brighton pier and the new addiction of the new Ferris wheel.I have now spent Six full days down here 5 of them a none smoker I am not by my first week and already I am moody, sarcastic, sad, happy and walking into the wind.

I have not felt like I wanted to celebrate Yule or the new year at all, its been a roller-coaster of a journey so far and yes I wanted to get off, many times I don't know what keeps me going the support of family and some very close friends.

Since we have moved down there has been a lot of rain and wind which in a funny way has dried out Obi before we get back home though still a bit damn, I have been using his slicker brush on him daily morning and evening, so far its making his coat look good.

It has been a difficult and a very productive experience for Obi which is a blessing it keeps me going seeing him happy he has met a few doggy friends mostly along the beach front I use my bus pass to transport us both from town and walk back to the Marina which is a long walk over 2-3 miles and has shown us that Brighton is as far as healing is a good place to be, I just hope my massage table comes soon into the new year, I have got a lot of things on will blog in the new year so happy times for me, Obi and you HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013 we made it by 2012.

As the day slowly come to a close, the sands of time slipping away from one old year to the next new year, I for one will be on the beach with Obi watching the fire works listening to the crowds cheer and be merry as a new morning begins.

Separate ways.

Due to the general atmosphere of the cottage, sometimes its ok but a lot of the times we just sit and stair at the telly only talking if one wants a cup of tea or something from the kitchen.

The rest of the time its spent in silence neither of us know what to say, when so much has been said already we moving apart, and must move on, over and over again. On the 21st of December, I will be moving down to be with my baby sister Nicola & John and there cat’s and dog, well it be cat’s and dog’s, just like the film.

The decision was not taken lightly, and maybe its just what we need, I don’t feel as if I can settle, the house no longer has my name upon the deed, the document says Nil Consideration, this has hit me so hard, I find my anger difficult to deal with, and usually end up turning it on myself, like I have done before.

Maybe this is the boost I need to finally kick the habit of smoking once and for all, I been planning on what to do in Brighton since I be there for the duration of January 2013.

There are two Argentinian Tango classes on, and I am thinking fuck it I go on both, also I might take the opportunity to go swimming at the king George swimming pool, the only thing I need to find out is if I can safely use my bus pass in Sussex?

I was a wee bit worried about the dance class, I sent an email to the teacher and she said no problemo come along and we will fix you out, Um Yay I think!

I might start going to the swimming at least a few times a week after Obi has had his first walk, One thing I do like about Brighton is there are so many places you can walk a dog, the beach the downs and there are so many parks to choose from.

Quite funny really my sister and her man John both lovely people, but they have it fixed in there head that the world will end on the 21st December all this 2012 stuff lol, so they have tried to get me to come a day early or a day late! Just give me a fucking key and I will let myself in FFS.

The world is not going to end on the 21st in fact the 22nd will be just another day but wait the cog’s are working….. Um ok the world is going to end can I have my Yule present now please?

Walking to find you’re self.

It’s coming up 3 weeks since me and J split up, there been a bit of spite, annoyance, laugh’s and Obi, poor dog we both feel that he is in the middle of it all, there are times when our talks can get heated, and his tail drops, he walks of to the patio doors and curls up tight as if to shut it out.

I wonder if children feel like that when they hear there mum’s and dad’s argue, it must be heart breaking for them, I can see it in Obi his mood has changed since we are now sleeping apart, he has spent a lot of time in the front room keeping guard over both rooms.

Some times it’s so difficult to remind ourselves of the importance that no mater what is happening Oberon does not deserve one bit of it, difficult as it may seem he must be our top priority in this sorry situation.

I’m still finding it difficult to sleep, most nights I am up till 3am, my mind is so active and a lot of the time night paranoia, self loathing and anger towards myself wanting to punish myself for what to all intents and purposes is been my own doing… I no longer care for myself!

And I don’t even know why any more, just that my life is going in no particular direction, and J has had to deal with this attitude from day one, silently suffering watching as each day goes by and I am working to wards an early grave, and now she can no longer take it, my attitude to my own life has been more than she can bear and no longer wants to watch it… I don’t blame her.

I have noticed over the weeks, I have stopped shaving, my once trim beard is now growing thicker longer my top lip is almost covered in fine grey/white hair, my head of hair normally short is growing longer, its as if I now want to hide my face from the outside world, away from everyone’s gaze.

It’s now coming up 4 weeks since the split F has now been the one to stay away over night, I thought I push myself and go to the pub and take Obi with me, I only had £2.47 in my pocket and the post office closes at 12pm on a Saturday, she did not return till gone 12pm the next day Sunday.

Possibly in a week or two I will be staying with my little sister in Brighton for Yule and the New Year, F plan’s to just keep working so that some of the repairs can be done before the property goes on the market in the spring.

F has asked me to sigh away my part to the property… I have to trust her, even thought my trust in females in particular have always worked against me, but in my heart I do believe she would never hurt me or Obi, I will do this sign away any rights I have to the cottage, and hope my trust was not misplaced.

There is so many crimes you can commit on the one you love, adultery, domestic abuse and other vile things, with hand on heart I never did any of that, I do truly love F with all my heart, but I am so untrustworthy, about my own health, my smoking and failing health is what has created a barrier I can no longer fight, and yet I will keep trying, something has to work.

My crime was I took her for granted, I never thought it would come to this, always there always helpful always giving I did not realize she was always hurting and I was so wrapped up, I did not see it… I am so sorry!

I have totally given up now, I need to move on, the atmosphere of the home is getting me so down, I feel so cut off, I did not realise I was so glum till I got a call from a friend in Leeds.

It’s time to cut the ties and accept there will be no reconciliation between me and her, the longer I stay here the more I am feeling down, fuck knows what next week or the week after will bring, and besides I can no longer take sleeping on the air mattress it hurts too much.

Hopefully I will start blogging in the new year or even before if I can, take care of your self’s and remember every moment should be a joy not a burden.

Active silence

It’s nearly two weeks since we split up, for the first week maybe a little more the atmosphere, from me you could cut with a knife, I am and I know it as well, just the simple put down or out of tongue comment and I would get upset, angry, dismayed I would pick a word fight.

Which is something that J is more prepared for her intellect is far more advanced its like a 12 year old trying to take out a 15 year Para veteran… it’s a no brain who would come out on top in that fight.

The fact is I will never win an argument where J is concerned, not that I would intentionally hurt her anyway, one thing I still hold dear is my respect for her no mater what happens.

So I have decided that the best course of action, is instead of trying to be civil, or engage her, I will resort back to my military past, get my head down do the work talk when she talks, do not engage in futile conversation or reminisce.

J has took a few days of work to help get the house in shape, I have finished the kitchen doors sanded down the sides so not a single spec of paint can be found anyway, I did the work in my tool shed, took a flask of tea, and just went back and forth with the doors when they were done, in between walking Obi, cook the food and watch Celtic get beat.

My mind is so constantly active its always ticking over it never stops until at least 3am in the morning then I fall into an uncomfortable sleep, then roll out of the blow up mattress in the cold chilly morning with Obi licking my face, the good thing about laying on the floor once I’m off the floor I cant go back to sleep, it takes around 40 minutes for the pain in my lower back and legs to ease off enough so I can take Obi for his first morning walk.

Now that I have accepted the rejection, I am begging to formulate my plans for the coming next few months, for a start, I will take some of my stuff to Brighton… I plan to stay with my sister over Yule and New Year.

In between feeling like shit, yes I am human after all, not that I feel very human, but during the low point’s I try to make myself look for something positive, to grab hold of, and visualize pushing the though till it fills up my brain with something good like learning to Tango, I love that dance, just hope I can find a partner to practice and learn with or its one of my teddy bears that get the honour.

This has been the I would say one of the worse periods of my life, the loss I feel at times is crushing mentally, physically and spiritually I am so drained, my sleep is practically none existent only exhaustion allows me to rest.

Maybe there is truth in the exclamation of no rest for the wicked, it kind of feels that way when night comes, to keep my wandering thoughts under control I just put on my ear phones and watch Richplanet, Mysterious Universe or play music.

I keep jumping between Newcastle, Skye and Devon from what money comes from the property we own, my money would be on Newcastle I want to buy and sell and make myself a bit of money to do the things I have on my bucket list since now its more urgent than ever, I will not be around in the next 20 years and I like to tick a few boxes before I go.

Perception of Forever

I was born into this life September 22nd 1964 I was not a child who came into the world kicking and screaming as most mothers would say, even then I looked thoughtful and looked like I had a smile on my face.

In the first 8-9 years I thought everything was forever, no beginning or ending, that was until, I met one of my cousins Robert, he was a Scots guard, who was shot in Ireland, I remember so vividly reaching into his coffin and touching his face, how cold it felt to my tiny fingers, not fully understanding what was going on, a few days later he was buried at Hawkhead Cemetery, watching to oak coffin being lowered into the ground, I was attracted to the men in uniform standing to the side of the grave giving a gunned salute to the departed and the bugler blowing the last post.

I was begging to awake, my body becoming aware of time and that a cold body meant dead. Its very easy to fall in to the idea that something is permanent, it will never end, for a very long time it in fact did feel like forever, five years ago, little did I know that my world would literally fall apart, as if fate turned it’s gaze in my direction.

If I really look at my life and I am brutally honest with myself, and ask myself… Am I happy?

The simple yet heart crushing answer is no… My health has suffered out of all of this, I have pushed away the people I love made mistakes and there is a lot of them, time after time there is only so much even the most saintly person can take, I have finally driven my saint/angel away for ever? I always hope, I no longer pray I am truly with out god or any of his creations, but that’s another matter why I have come to that conclusion in life which I will explain at some time.

My emotions are so mixed up at the moment, swinging from rage, sadness, hurt, pain, loss and calmness. I’m not sure from one minute to the next how I will react to external stimulus or what paranoid idea’s and visions in a way I feel mentally ill, which is funny since I spent the better part of my life working in that field and being married to a psychotherapist.

When I was out walking Oberon, I got a call from some health centre with a referral from my doctor, to see a physiatrist and nurse, in order to get back on the Champix because of the side effects and I am already on antidepressants I have to talk to these people for the nod to my doctor to prescribe the drug.

Its not rocket science, but if I truly open up to those people, I’d be sectioned under the mental health act with what is going on at the moment, not to mention that the surgery I am to go to is in bloody Dunmow miles away and at 9:45am… they can go and fuck themselves.

I wonder if hypnosis works for giving up the smokes or not? Not that I can afford such luxury, I can always try to find a hungry therapist and pay them in cup cakes? Sorry its been a while since my last blog, sounds like a confession don’t it lol, I don’t mean to be a stranger to you all but let me say this in the coming months you will see why its been so difficult for me to put finger to keyboard. Love you all, and keep your eyes on the sky… xxx