Walking to find you’re self.

It’s coming up 3 weeks since me and J split up, there been a bit of spite, annoyance, laugh’s and Obi, poor dog we both feel that he is in the middle of it all, there are times when our talks can get heated, and his tail drops, he walks of to the patio doors and curls up tight as if to shut it out.

I wonder if children feel like that when they hear there mum’s and dad’s argue, it must be heart breaking for them, I can see it in Obi his mood has changed since we are now sleeping apart, he has spent a lot of time in the front room keeping guard over both rooms.

Some times it’s so difficult to remind ourselves of the importance that no mater what is happening Oberon does not deserve one bit of it, difficult as it may seem he must be our top priority in this sorry situation.

I’m still finding it difficult to sleep, most nights I am up till 3am, my mind is so active and a lot of the time night paranoia, self loathing and anger towards myself wanting to punish myself for what to all intents and purposes is been my own doing… I no longer care for myself!

And I don’t even know why any more, just that my life is going in no particular direction, and J has had to deal with this attitude from day one, silently suffering watching as each day goes by and I am working to wards an early grave, and now she can no longer take it, my attitude to my own life has been more than she can bear and no longer wants to watch it… I don’t blame her.

I have noticed over the weeks, I have stopped shaving, my once trim beard is now growing thicker longer my top lip is almost covered in fine grey/white hair, my head of hair normally short is growing longer, its as if I now want to hide my face from the outside world, away from everyone’s gaze.

It’s now coming up 4 weeks since the split F has now been the one to stay away over night, I thought I push myself and go to the pub and take Obi with me, I only had £2.47 in my pocket and the post office closes at 12pm on a Saturday, she did not return till gone 12pm the next day Sunday.

Possibly in a week or two I will be staying with my little sister in Brighton for Yule and the New Year, F plan’s to just keep working so that some of the repairs can be done before the property goes on the market in the spring.

F has asked me to sigh away my part to the property… I have to trust her, even thought my trust in females in particular have always worked against me, but in my heart I do believe she would never hurt me or Obi, I will do this sign away any rights I have to the cottage, and hope my trust was not misplaced.

There is so many crimes you can commit on the one you love, adultery, domestic abuse and other vile things, with hand on heart I never did any of that, I do truly love F with all my heart, but I am so untrustworthy, about my own health, my smoking and failing health is what has created a barrier I can no longer fight, and yet I will keep trying, something has to work.

My crime was I took her for granted, I never thought it would come to this, always there always helpful always giving I did not realize she was always hurting and I was so wrapped up, I did not see it… I am so sorry!

I have totally given up now, I need to move on, the atmosphere of the home is getting me so down, I feel so cut off, I did not realise I was so glum till I got a call from a friend in Leeds.

It’s time to cut the ties and accept there will be no reconciliation between me and her, the longer I stay here the more I am feeling down, fuck knows what next week or the week after will bring, and besides I can no longer take sleeping on the air mattress it hurts too much.

Hopefully I will start blogging in the new year or even before if I can, take care of your self’s and remember every moment should be a joy not a burden.