Thursday, 26 November 2009
To all intents and purposes, I should not be writing this at this time anyway, but for the life of me, I had an episode of conflict this morning standing at the bus stop, yes its no more than 100 from my front door, its brisk, no forget that its fucking freezing, even thought I am well wrapped up, standing watching the traffic fly by and I mean fly by, even thought this stretch of road i.e.: the street is a 30mph speed limit but most cars go by at over 40mph, you can feel the whip of the tail wind as they pass, oblivious to the outside world, there own little cosmos behind the wheel is all they see nothing more nothing less.
As the bus pulled up, I could see the usual bunch of kids, the doors open to let me in, and I just stood there, my unblinking eyes lock in a sad contact with the driver, my lips curl into a soft yet faint smile, his fingers tap the steering wheel, you getting on mate, giving me a faint smile back, I look at the driver, seems the whole bus is looking at me the familiar faces that I see when I go to Seetec, I notice an empty seat, I just look back at the driver as if in slow motion, I think I’ll have a day off my friend I smile at the driver and disembark from the bus and walk the 100 or so feet back to Vailima, turning around watching the bus pass, faces look at me as it dashes past, everyone looking like they are locked in there own personal scream.
The key slides effortlessly into the lock, the warmth of the house welcoming me home again.
I never felt that before, when I actually stood on a bus only to choose to get off again, now one thing I have learn being married to foxy is that you always question your motives, why I did it, and what’s the underlying reason for it all?
Well I think there are a few things that are flying around, for one I don’t feel so well today, I have days like that, where I just cant heat up, after my heart attack I take aspirin which thins the blood, so keep warm can be a pain at times, but its only a small reason to walk back home again, I been out there in the pissing rain and it did not stop me, so its not that.
2) I waiting on a phone call from the DSS, well I have been waiting for nearly 9weeks for that call, its dragged on for so long, I’m nearly at the stage of giving up and forgetting about getting any government help, not that I want it but I feel like a leech, yes I do all the cooking and cleaning etc, but I feel worthless I don’t like this I have bared witness to the fear and hate that man can wish upon his fellow man when I was in the army.
And yet I have bottle all those feelings up from time to time they come back and haunt me, one of the reasons why scream so much inside, from this you may think I’m terribly depressed and yet I don’t feel like that, ok it’s a constant fight to see what is positive, there are a lot of positive things, even though Zak passed in a horrible way, but even from that, I was so lucky he chose to come home with me back to Brighton, my first dog and not my last, I have fallen head over heels for the breed, he was so much like me snores, farts and is as moody as fuck.
I still have his collar on my computer desk; I have yet to decide what to do with it, I will find a use for it, a memento of a gentleman of a dog.
But that’s not the reason well a bit of it, because of it all I just don’t have the money to feel happy, I got so many Ideas floating around that it gives me a sore head just thinking that if I cant get help then I will help myself.
Not like a bank robber or any light fingered thing what I mean is I’ll help myself out of it all, and find a job anything, I got a great bike maybe I deliver a few curries or pizza, or mail do my own thing since the post office is always up to something that screws up Maybe I can do long distance mail you know the thing that needs to be there the same day, I’m sure I can fit a few Yule presents in a ruck sack and head off into the cold sunset.
I even thought of betterware, and yes girls Avon and of course Ann Summers Ahem! (Giggles) all nice looking females wanting to try a strap on god the list goes on, I tell you
ooh errr missus.
I feel that there is a problem here, I trust that the government will do the right thing and that they get it all worked out, but its never that easy, in fact the actuality is that they don’t give a shit about me you or bob the builder next door, and yet I trust talk about trusting the wrong people, even my step bro Mick has had those self same problems, he gave up, kudos to the guy for telling them to shove it all up there shitty hairy arses.
In away I’m more like a battered kid, the nanny state loves to beat her children over the head, and like a bad mother who would rather drink and get into scrapes with others forgets her children who have in some ways dedicated there life, to what the government/nanny believes is right, so I’m getting to crux of the problems, I’M TOO TRUSTING. Well I think I need a good kick in the head, and do as my sister says and annoy these wankers and wind them up, play the game.
I don’t want to sound abusive or anything but what am I to do when, the cards are stacked against me? Do I lay down and die or get up and fight like the ex army/nurse would do I will fight and fight till I get what I am entitled to.
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Well no Seetec today, seems like the got the big guns there today, don’t know who or what they are, but interesting that they have got rid of all the unemployed guys and girls that frequent that place gone for the day, and its classed as a day that your there, the mind boggles at the unfairness of it all, I mean what have they got to be scared of, all the newspapers have gone, well they were nearly 2 weeks out of date, and they were wanting people to go to the Job center to pick up job descriptions yesterday, I just sat in my little group of 3 men and a tube of smarties and handed them around the table and chatted instead.
Seem like the new dog thing has come to a head, we no longer be going for little Alfie, the site that was dealing with him are really loopy, talk about a dog chasing its own tail, well the staff at All Dogs matter are as daft as that, we were pushed around so much that we had to withdraw from even going to visit Alfie which is a shame really I would have love to have had him with me, but what we have done instead is join a site that deals with dealers, breeders and a well organized dog site.
We have made contact with a Breeder about a 7month old male Tibetan Terrier yesterday we have as yet to receive a response to our email but I am sure its coming after all they want £400 for the puppy come young dog, which I hope is house trained, not that it matters I have wooden flooring, so any pee or shit is easy to clean haha.
Well I again called the DSS locality team, asking for Alison the person dealing with my case, and she asked me to phone today and guess what? She’s off today, now I’m a bit at a loss with what to do next, Vivian said that she give her a message to call me tomorrow morning to get it all fixed out, well since I have been signing on since 13th of October I don’t think I will hold my breath case I pass out, now what angers me is if I was an immigrant I would not be treated like this, so for all the tax paying I have done all my life, I’m being treated like a second rate citizen its so unfair, and yet I’m so lucky to have very and I mean very understanding relatives who have been so helpful over the past few months with food and handouts clothing etc.
You know I’m listening to the beach boys surfin’ USA and I’m feeling happy fuck knows why, the DSS matter is not over by a long shot, I feel like I have to be a pirate and shoot a few cannon balls at there stern and take the plunge into the ocean they call complaining and ask for a reason of why I’m a fucking second rate British shittizen (no I did not mean Citizen)
Well I been on Twitter for nearly or just over a week now, its not bad I can link photos and of course my blog as well, I noticed a jump in traffic coming here, so something must be working I just wish you would say something I like to know that your just as pissed of as me, or maybe your not and happy with your lot in life, well fair play to you my silent friend, I just hope that it stays that way.
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Well a recap on what’s been going on in me life for the past month, and a good reason why I have not been blogging as much as I would like, other than the fact that the weather is and will continue to be fucking mad as a barrel of spanners, I have not been getting out on my bike as much as I would like, much to the dismay of Tommy Two Wheels, we were meant to go out on Saturday but the roads were so wet here at Vailima, I did not want to take a chance in having a crash which I would knowing my luck.
For the past 4 or so weeks, I have been attending a course set up by the government Social Security namely or aptly named SeeTec, a group funded by the government to make you or what they like to say is help you back to work!
This has been my 4th week and to be bluntly truthful, it’s a waist of time for me, I travel 3 days a week into Harlow to attend this course full of people just like me, we given computers, papers and free tea and coffee at certain times, you get your travel expenses back which is good considering it costs me £4:30 return.
One good point is that I can go to the library every week for new books, I am studying finances as a choice since I can no longer do the work that I was trained to do, which was working in a hospital/nursing home. So most of my time I spend there I have my face buried in a book trying to keep up and remember lots of figures that would make an accountant jump with glee.
Not that I am a stranger to study, in fact I’m a life long student of some sort lol.
I have just found Twitter yes I’m catching up with you lot, I like it but you do have to cram in so much into 140 word message, but the real neat thing is, I can actually get it on my mobile phone so I can keep up with some selected people that I FOLLOW namely my little sis, the down side is to post a comment costs 10p a time which is ok, but being unemployed and at the moment getting no surport from the Jobseekers its been nearly 8 weeks since I signed on and as yet have had no money what so ever? I sign on tomorrow so it’s an early day at Seetec, I will have it out with them tomorrow I think see if I can get any joy from these people, knowing my luck, I get passed on again and again, I must make a mental note of is there a complaints procedure? And hope that gives them the shits or it’s a long long road for me.
I do intend to record all the conversations I have with the dss via my web cam so I can post it on youtube and send via Twitter to 10 Downing Street since I have its link, if I cant get joy I will lay it on hard for them and shame the swine.
Well Seetec is a good thing if your looking for a job, I cannot fault them on there dedication in at least being understanding on the plight of many unemployed workers out there, and the course is only 13 weeks, with attendance being for only 12 hours a week, but for me its only 6 hours since I have a dodgy ticker, but I would like to spend a bit more time there, since the passing of Zak my faithful doggie, I want to be out a bit more, I find that it’s a good reason to study a little more, with other people like minded, not that everyone there is after work, some people see it as a social thing and like to meet up talk just about everything except work, or what they have done for money in the past.
I just wish I could deal with benefits there but it’s not their place to advise or chase up unpaid benefits to its customers, if you can be called that when you’re unemployed.
I have heard that your supposed to be depressed when your looking for work, which is true if your at home musing over the lost life your throwing away, into the fires of oblivion, that you now frequent, I must admit that getting out is doing my confidence a little good, after the year I have had, its little wonder how I keep on going, for a lot of that I have fox to thanks she is my pillar of strength, the one I always turn to just to keep me right.
I did my bmi last night and I got to my target of losing 3lbs for a strange one, I actually wanted my photo to prove it, yeah I’m in tight leggings and tee with accompanying socks lol, talk about hard pressed I only did 12mins last night I really need to do 30mins a day just to keep to my new target of 6lbs over the next two months yeah I know Yule is coming up and its pudding time so I really must keep on target to achieve my next goal.
Saturday, 14 November 2009
It was a cold day in January 2009, the new year was upon us and our dear Sonic had not long passed to the world of spirit herself, we wanted to try and forget her last few hours laying on a vets cold steel table being given an injection to put her to rest, the impact that it caused was astounding, something fox said she would not like to see again little did we know that our faithful and loving doggie Zak would go the same way a short 10months later.
January the 10th 2009 was the day that Zak came to us, we travelled from Brighton to Essex to meet him for the first time, it was Tom, Mum and myself and fox that saw him for the first time at Donna’s place a nice home with two Lasa apso’s of her own, with what was believed to be a giant Lasa, turns out dear Zak was a Tibetan terrier, his long main of hair reminiscent of a lion, his smiley face, what turned out to be his teeth sticking out of his mouth which made him endearing from the start, several people over the next 10 months commented on that dog’s smiling at me, he had that effect on people he met and the girls he saw.
To say Zak made an impression when we first crossed paths, I took him from Donna the same day I saw him, even before the first walk, he came and sniffed me and fox, as if to see if we were suitable for him, little did I realize that he had a softness for sniffing in fact it was a way of life for him, he never been let of a lead simply because he sniff just about anything and would continue to do so, at the determent of every one else around him, but that was because he possibly had cancer back then and had to really take his time, but like myself I tend to doodle around as well so we were suited to one another, he liked to sniff I liked to stand and just watch the world go by, on our regular trips to Preston Park, just a short drive from Highfield our old home, he be in his element, so many trees new smells for his snout, and to actually be let of the lead to his own thing, this was a turning point for him, to be let loose to do his own thing something he came to cherish more than anything.
He was never a badly behaved dog even thought I put that on him at times in hind sight I deeply regret treating him as if he was taking advantage, even when his little paws were sore, I tried to push him on even more, it was only the last two weeks of his short life that I noticed that something was wrong with him internally I never thought for a second that it would be life ending, no more the funny little bark, telling me that I had an intruder in the tavern a little robin was looking for a place to sleep and have its chicks.
Now I’m happy that I gave that little man lots of hugs and cuddles and kisses, after Jewels passing, life feels impermanent and at times quite cruel.
This is a recollection of my memories of Zak god bless him, I only hope that if I made him uncomfortable or made him feel pain and loss, that he forgives me.
Our days in Highfield were numbered when Zak first came into our life’s it was already on the market, the recession and the travel from Brighton to London on a daily basis was telling on Fox, but every evening she came home, Zak always greeted her with a waggy tail, happy that she was home, as the months passed Zak would imprint on us that he had needs to and wanted above all to sleep on the same bed between us, like me he snored like a trooper, poor fox, and he move around the bed in his sleep, on a number of times I be nearly on the floor, he move so close and if I moved he move as well, getting closer and closer, his head draped over my leg, normally he be at the foot of the bed at the begging of the night, by morning as I turned to greet my dear wife, all I get is a waft of Butchers breath, and whiskers twitching, I could never resist giving him a kiss, and pulling him on to my lap with his legs swinging in the air.
As people came to visit Highfield, he woof letting me know someone at the door, not like most dogs that bark like mad, it was only one bark, he watch them as they walked around his gaff.
As weeks turned to months, our walks around the block his sniffing of anything that he deemed new or never been before sniffed, on one occasion as I walked Zak to meet Fox when she was coming from Brighton station, we met on the hill, Zak was pushing fox down the hill we never found out why he did this, it was as if he wanted to go home right there and then.
In our limited time in Highfield we had grown attached we went every where together, I had plans on taking him on a ghost watch but I resisted he was an old chap after all, the grand old age of 14years old or that is what we were told, thought you never think that looking at him his thick main of fur, hiding his age quite well it was only when he was bathed that you could see his wrinkled skin showing that time had took its toll on him, and yet still there was a young dog that lucked just inside, one trip to Preston park he met a young girl dog named Lucy and tried to have it off with her, to the amazement and embarrassment of myself and fox he tried to mount her head, instead of the usual rear end!
In time we sell Highfield with nearly £40,000 loss, but still we were happy to move, even if it was to temp accommodation in Roydon Essex relatively 7 miles from our new place Vailima near Sheering, on our first move, I learn a new thing that Zak loved to do, and that was sitting on my lap with his head out of the van, that me and Tom were riding in all our stuff packed neatly in the back of the van, it takes several hours to get to Essex from Sussex and Zak did not even woof once, and if he did its because I tried to put him on the floor, from that day forth he would always ride in the back of the car with me with an open window so he could stick his head out.
As we first looked upon the Roydon property, Zak jumped out of my arms and onto the ground he sniffed everything that his snout could find, as he reached his new temp home, he found Max’s drinking bowl and proceeded to piss on it, poor Max what did he do to deserve that, well maybe Zak was not a Chelsea supporter like Max.
There was a good walk that me and Zak did on a daily basis, from the temp accommodation there was a field walk, which would take us around 30 mins to complete, and the canal side walk that we did every time fox was coming from London, it was then that I noticed that he was getting slower and not eating his food as he would normally do, it never entered my mind that he had cancer, I mean that’s something that humans get but a lovely little dog like Zak did not deserve that, no dog or human does really.
It felt like we were there in the temp accommodation for years but in actual fact we were only there for a few months we even pondered on buying it when we felt that Vailima was slipping away from us, solicitors and estate agents were total shits, and the communication between them and us was a pain in the arse.
But things worked out in the end and we were packing again, and heading to a new home, by this time unfortunately Jewels our darling little tabby cat passed away, like my mum I sat up all night with her to see her slip away of old age, her little body mostly skin and bone, she always had her tiger stripes, I miss her too as much as Sonic.
There was a special place that Zak just loved to visit, namely the Rye house near Roydon, he get so excited and bark wildly wanting out of the car and sniff and pee up every tree in the place, he had this little routine that he loved to do was walk along the out line of the old house, and a walk along the canal near the house and just watch the geese, he even met a little lady jack Russell there once, he gave her the usual greeting of a sniff and face rub, and we pulled him away before he could mount her, sometimes he be like a teenager than an old boy, but that was our darling dog, he knows what he wants and what he likes, Donna said he did not like big dogs well my mum and Tom have a large Alsatian called Tara and Mick and Trish Alsatian called Max and Zak did not have any problems with them, but then there are very well behaved dogs, He did not like unruly dogs, and would give a warning bark he even went for one some time ago, which was a surprise for me, and old boy like him taking on a young bull dog.
Not that he was ever aggressive, on the contra he was very meek and mild, almost like the dalai lama, inward thinking if I could liken him he be more a Yoda come Bernadette, the pain he must have endured in silence only in the final week of his life was the pain showing, by the low grumbles never raising, as if in agony.
Our time at the temp accommodation, was almost at an end, and the move to Vailima was on the cards, we would finally say good bye to Roydon and our regular visits to Rye house, we would only visit that place on one or two occasions when we moved home.
His new stomping ground would be Harlow town park, new smells new dogs, the love of his life when he got a chance to bump into her was Boo, a Tib terrier just like him, he would only meet her 3 times before his death, but even during his first meeting his body got more and more sluggish, even the walking was taking longer and longer, he was eating less, drinking less.
We kept thinking that maybe he was getting bugs from the other dogs that visited the house, but all our excuses did not see him better, he was off his food and was eating fresh chicken daily and having his liver chews which was for a cat be he loved them and of course his training treats which were small enough for him to swallow, in one gulp.
As we settled into Vailima, the first one to make a pal here was of course Zak, nobody who saw him could not resist patting him his long fur, making him look like an Ewok from Star wars fame, he had no trouble in making pals, a lesson I still have to make.
The summer was decent for England, Zak would spend most of his time going in and out of the house, making his mark on all the plants of the garden, bird watching but never worrying a single visitor to our garden, he had regular visits from Tara, and K.C. Nicky’s little dog, they did have a run around on occasions but Zak would tire very quickly, and promptly plant himself on our bed or settee and go to sleep.
As the Autumn approaches the leaves turn to vibrant colours and fall to the ground, Zak is no longer eating properly he go days with out eating, then all of a sudden will start eating again, he is on fresh chicken all the time, he eats less and less treats like his rodeo’s which was a firm favourite of his is left to get hard and stale.
The cubby skin is getting thin, our worry is he has another infection; we keep a watch on him and again he starts to eat again and drinking his water, we include milk for him, which he takes, a month or so later, we notice that he’s spinning around as if dazed, we decide to take him to the vet.
Our sister Nat, grooms pets for a living and re-homes unwanted and neglected doggies, budgies and all sorts of heart broken animals, her stance on life is like ours, and Zak always loved paying her a visit and meeting Spud, Lilly bear,, and Ozzy.
Autumn turns to the begging of winter, Halloween is upon us and Zak has stopped taking his Chicken, and very little fluids pass his lips, after a few days we take him to the vet that Nat, said was good and caring of animals, its deemed that he has Oedema and that his ears are infected and that it would take at least another 24-48 hours till he was over it, we given eye drops for his eyes which has been sore since we first got him, and a massive can of flea spray, we take him home, and still no water or food passes his lips, this goes on for another 4 days, we end up getting an emergency appointment at the Epping clinic, by now he has not eaten in 4 days since his first appointment and the other 3 days before the first visit to the vet, so nearly a week has passed with no food, and very little water, he is constantly sick, in the evenings.
Our sleep is nearly none existent Zak needs to go out so much to be sick, his legs barely able to carry his tiny frame, in the end I carry him in my arms into the garden and slowly let him walk around doing his thing still sniffing and back to the house ever so slowly, I walk behind him in the rain, he walk off into the Jade room and just lay on the floor, mumbling softly.
We arrive in Epping, we ask for directions to the vets a rather pleasant lady tells us how to get there, in no time we find the vets, we sit for a short time in the reception, Zak is outside with Fox, sniffing the place, wondering if he going to pee like he normally does in new places, B&Q, Maplins, any garden centre or vets he don’t care he pee’s, just for the sake of it.
It’s not long before the vet, an Australian guy takes a look at Zak feels him all over, we tell him what the other vet had said, but still he was sick not eating and drinking, in a futile attempt at sticking up for his buddy since they both work for the same company, he stands up for her saying that her diagnosis was right, but there was an underlying problem, he continues to touch and prod Zak in the end he asks me to feel just under his chin, I feel two lumps like ping pong balls, the same again under his chest and rear end all are swollen, this he claims is gland problems, and that he needs investigations, blood, drips, cultures and drawing of fluids from the glands, for a proper diagnosis, we agree to this, even thought its going to cost us up to £800 even more we still not got the bill yet and that’s not including his ashes and casket we possibly looking at over £1000.
Its been 4 days since Zak has moved on where his soul is I do not know but I believe that he is doing just fine in the here after with all the other Tibetan Terrors up there, guarding the gates of Heaven from the dark Legions of the under world.
I got a call from the undertakers today on the answer phone, I did not call back not really feeling up to it just yet, I will respond tomorrow morning.
For some reason, I have a Tibetan singing bowl, I found myself playing it the day after he passed over, I don’t know if he heard its singing, I did find some comfort with in its tone.
We have talked about another doggie and we both agree that we will take another doggie but we decided to wait till after Yule and the new year, thinking that it be nice to have a holiday and I can do some courses in the coming months, I do believe that if you take on a dog you have to be there for it, unlike a cat that can entertain its self a dog need company all the time.
Needs change like underwear on a daily basis, now we have seen a doggie we both agree we like named Alfie, a 2-3 year old Tibetan/Griffin mix, he looks like a Tibby but has the fur of a Griffin which looks weird, not a nice looking dog but he looks like he has tonnes of personality, a bit like us, I will keep you updated on our final choice, we also looking at getting a Tibby puppy, but were only thinking of this at the moment we have phoned a few breeders we got from the Tibby association in the UK