Thursday, 26 November 2009
To all intents and purposes, I should not be writing this at this time anyway, but for the life of me, I had an episode of conflict this morning standing at the bus stop, yes its no more than 100 from my front door, its brisk, no forget that its fucking freezing, even thought I am well wrapped up, standing watching the traffic fly by and I mean fly by, even thought this stretch of road i.e.: the street is a 30mph speed limit but most cars go by at over 40mph, you can feel the whip of the tail wind as they pass, oblivious to the outside world, there own little cosmos behind the wheel is all they see nothing more nothing less.
As the bus pulled up, I could see the usual bunch of kids, the doors open to let me in, and I just stood there, my unblinking eyes lock in a sad contact with the driver, my lips curl into a soft yet faint smile, his fingers tap the steering wheel, you getting on mate, giving me a faint smile back, I look at the driver, seems the whole bus is looking at me the familiar faces that I see when I go to Seetec, I notice an empty seat, I just look back at the driver as if in slow motion, I think I’ll have a day off my friend I smile at the driver and disembark from the bus and walk the 100 or so feet back to Vailima, turning around watching the bus pass, faces look at me as it dashes past, everyone looking like they are locked in there own personal scream.
The key slides effortlessly into the lock, the warmth of the house welcoming me home again.
I never felt that before, when I actually stood on a bus only to choose to get off again, now one thing I have learn being married to foxy is that you always question your motives, why I did it, and what’s the underlying reason for it all?
Well I think there are a few things that are flying around, for one I don’t feel so well today, I have days like that, where I just cant heat up, after my heart attack I take aspirin which thins the blood, so keep warm can be a pain at times, but its only a small reason to walk back home again, I been out there in the pissing rain and it did not stop me, so its not that.
2) I waiting on a phone call from the DSS, well I have been waiting for nearly 9weeks for that call, its dragged on for so long, I’m nearly at the stage of giving up and forgetting about getting any government help, not that I want it but I feel like a leech, yes I do all the cooking and cleaning etc, but I feel worthless I don’t like this I have bared witness to the fear and hate that man can wish upon his fellow man when I was in the army.
And yet I have bottle all those feelings up from time to time they come back and haunt me, one of the reasons why scream so much inside, from this you may think I’m terribly depressed and yet I don’t feel like that, ok it’s a constant fight to see what is positive, there are a lot of positive things, even though Zak passed in a horrible way, but even from that, I was so lucky he chose to come home with me back to Brighton, my first dog and not my last, I have fallen head over heels for the breed, he was so much like me snores, farts and is as moody as fuck.
I still have his collar on my computer desk; I have yet to decide what to do with it, I will find a use for it, a memento of a gentleman of a dog.
But that’s not the reason well a bit of it, because of it all I just don’t have the money to feel happy, I got so many Ideas floating around that it gives me a sore head just thinking that if I cant get help then I will help myself.
Not like a bank robber or any light fingered thing what I mean is I’ll help myself out of it all, and find a job anything, I got a great bike maybe I deliver a few curries or pizza, or mail do my own thing since the post office is always up to something that screws up Maybe I can do long distance mail you know the thing that needs to be there the same day, I’m sure I can fit a few Yule presents in a ruck sack and head off into the cold sunset.
I even thought of betterware, and yes girls Avon and of course Ann Summers Ahem! (Giggles) all nice looking females wanting to try a strap on god the list goes on, I tell you
ooh errr missus.
I feel that there is a problem here, I trust that the government will do the right thing and that they get it all worked out, but its never that easy, in fact the actuality is that they don’t give a shit about me you or bob the builder next door, and yet I trust talk about trusting the wrong people, even my step bro Mick has had those self same problems, he gave up, kudos to the guy for telling them to shove it all up there shitty hairy arses.
In away I’m more like a battered kid, the nanny state loves to beat her children over the head, and like a bad mother who would rather drink and get into scrapes with others forgets her children who have in some ways dedicated there life, to what the government/nanny believes is right, so I’m getting to crux of the problems, I’M TOO TRUSTING. Well I think I need a good kick in the head, and do as my sister says and annoy these wankers and wind them up, play the game.
I don’t want to sound abusive or anything but what am I to do when, the cards are stacked against me? Do I lay down and die or get up and fight like the ex army/nurse would do I will fight and fight till I get what I am entitled to.