The Crows nest!

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Active silence

It’s nearly two weeks since we split up, for the first week maybe a little more the atmosphere, from me you could cut with a knife, I am and I know it as well, just the simple put down or out of tongue comment and I would get upset, angry, dismayed I would pick a word fight.
Which is something that J is more prepared for her intellect is far more advanced its like a 12 year old trying to take out a 15 year Para veteran… it’s a no brain who would come out on top in that fight.
The fact is I will never win an argument where J is concerned, not that I would intentionally hurt her anyway, one thing I still hold dear is my respect for her no mater what happens.
So I have decided that the best course of action, is instead of trying to be civil, or engage her, I will resort back to my military past, get my head down do the work talk when she talks, do not engage in futile conversation or reminisce.
J has took a few days of work to help get the house in shape, I have finished the kitchen doors sanded down the sides so not a single spec of paint can be found anyway, I did the work in my tool shed, took a flask of tea, and just went back and forth with the doors when they were done, in between walking Obi, cook the food and watch Celtic get beat.
My mind is so constantly active its always ticking over it never stops until at least 3am in the morning then I fall into an uncomfortable sleep, then roll out of the blow up mattress in the cold chilly morning with Obi licking my face, the good thing about laying on the floor once I’m off the floor I cant go back to sleep, it takes around 40 minutes for the pain in my lower back and legs to ease off enough so I can take Obi for his first morning walk.
Now that I have accepted the rejection, I am begging to formulate my plans for the coming next few months, for a start, I will take some of my stuff to Brighton… I plan to stay with my sister over Yule and New Year.
In between feeling like shit, yes I am human after all, not that I feel very human, but during the low point’s I try to make myself look for something positive, to grab hold of, and visualize pushing the though till it fills up my brain with something good like learning to Tango, I love that dance, just hope I can find a partner to practice and learn with or its one of my teddy bears that get the honour.
This has been the I would say one of the worse periods of my life, the loss I feel at times is crushing mentally, physically and spiritually I am so drained, my sleep is practically none existent only exhaustion allows me to rest.
Maybe there is truth in the exclamation of no rest for the wicked, it kind of feels that way when night comes, to keep my wandering thoughts under control I just put on my ear phones and watch Richplanet, Mysterious Universe or play music.
I keep jumping between Newcastle, Skye and Devon from what money comes from the property we own, my money would be on Newcastle I want to buy and sell and make myself a bit of money to do the things I have on my bucket list since now its more urgent than ever, I will not be around in the next 20 years and I like to tick a few boxes before I go.

2 comments:

  1. Heidi is absolutely right in reminding you of the good years you shared with Fox, are you absolutely certain the break-up can not be resolved? I have endured a marriage break-up so i know how crushing it feels and how scary it is to start a new life on your own. You CAN get through this, no matter how impossible that may feel at times. I am pleased you will not be alone over Yule and that you have a list of positive things you wish to do, Tango dancing eh? I would be terrible with me 2 left feet!!! Newcastle is about an hour or so from Leeds, so if you venture North ... we will take a day to finally meet and then Mr Adams prepare yourself for a huge buddy hug. Love to you and Obi, keep yourself busy but remember to take time out to regain your strength too. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for your comments Anni your a tower of strength for me in these dark days and nights xxxx

    ReplyDelete