Perception of Forever

I was born into this life September 22nd 1964 I was not a child who came into the world kicking and screaming as most mothers would say, even then I looked thoughtful and looked like I had a smile on my face.

In the first 8-9 years I thought everything was forever, no beginning or ending, that was until, I met one of my cousins Robert, he was a Scots guard, who was shot in Ireland, I remember so vividly reaching into his coffin and touching his face, how cold it felt to my tiny fingers, not fully understanding what was going on, a few days later he was buried at Hawkhead Cemetery, watching to oak coffin being lowered into the ground, I was attracted to the men in uniform standing to the side of the grave giving a gunned salute to the departed and the bugler blowing the last post.

I was begging to awake, my body becoming aware of time and that a cold body meant dead. Its very easy to fall in to the idea that something is permanent, it will never end, for a very long time it in fact did feel like forever, five years ago, little did I know that my world would literally fall apart, as if fate turned it’s gaze in my direction.

If I really look at my life and I am brutally honest with myself, and ask myself… Am I happy?

The simple yet heart crushing answer is no… My health has suffered out of all of this, I have pushed away the people I love made mistakes and there is a lot of them, time after time there is only so much even the most saintly person can take, I have finally driven my saint/angel away for ever? I always hope, I no longer pray I am truly with out god or any of his creations, but that’s another matter why I have come to that conclusion in life which I will explain at some time.

My emotions are so mixed up at the moment, swinging from rage, sadness, hurt, pain, loss and calmness. I’m not sure from one minute to the next how I will react to external stimulus or what paranoid idea’s and visions in a way I feel mentally ill, which is funny since I spent the better part of my life working in that field and being married to a psychotherapist.

When I was out walking Oberon, I got a call from some health centre with a referral from my doctor, to see a physiatrist and nurse, in order to get back on the Champix because of the side effects and I am already on antidepressants I have to talk to these people for the nod to my doctor to prescribe the drug.

Its not rocket science, but if I truly open up to those people, I’d be sectioned under the mental health act with what is going on at the moment, not to mention that the surgery I am to go to is in bloody Dunmow miles away and at 9:45am… they can go and fuck themselves.

I wonder if hypnosis works for giving up the smokes or not? Not that I can afford such luxury, I can always try to find a hungry therapist and pay them in cup cakes? Sorry its been a while since my last blog, sounds like a confession don’t it lol, I don’t mean to be a stranger to you all but let me say this in the coming months you will see why its been so difficult for me to put finger to keyboard. Love you all, and keep your eyes on the sky… xxx