The Crows nest!

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

The Hitchhikers guild to Armageddon

The Hitchhikers guild to Armageddon or OMG did that really just happen!

Who’s ready for the coming apocalypse? You me and the farmer next door, nope I don’t think so well for your information, I personally don’t feel that the end is coming but then you can never be too sure can you, after all the weather is worse the planet is in a terrible state, stealing all that fossil fuel and gas must have some effect on the whole Earth, don’t you think?

Over the years there has been film after film and not counting the documentaries that like to tell us in great detail how it will all end, so some of these people seem to know what they are talking about, or do you believe they are talking complete bollocks?

After all they make their money from doing this so it’s not for the love of it or a real passive feeling for the inhabitants of the Planet Earth, and if so are they prepared for the coming doomsday?

Who knows and really who cares, what you care about is you, your family and friends, but be prepared to turn a blind eye when they come a knocking on your little shelter under the ground, of course if they are so hot, then its good to share, if ya know what I mean ;)

Well from all the stuff I have read and watched the best place to be during and after Armageddon is under ground, that’s ok if you have a cave to retreat to for the rest of us, it’s a hole under your floor boards or garden, you going to need digging tools and of course all sorts of tools, now the best ones are wireless like hammer drill, jigsaws, circular saws and lots of wood, nails screws and all that stuff, a quite trip to your local Armageddon hardware store like B&Q, Wicks and of course Home base.

So your got your work cut out for you already, all the pointers are its coming from the sky if you believe in the Destroyer or Planet X, its winging its way here as you read, so get digging.

That aside, you could always hope for the best in your home, if you’re in a high-rise building then I would say vacate it say a few hours before and head to high ground from the pending Tsunami that’s rocketing towards you.

Now for personal kit you go to have to invest a lot of money now not after your cash will be worthless when the Destroyer comes a calling.

The first thing you going to need is self protection a good gun or sword will suffice, now would you go for the good Zombie killer like a double barrelled shot gun?

Well if the apocalypse brings hordes of the undead it would be a good Idea to have one, but for self-protection might I say a good Air Rifle, would be a good weapon simply its much more quite than a shot gun which can be heard for miles depending on the wind speed and directions we don’t know if Zombies can here, or smell you.

And nothing draws the attention of people than a big bang, the object of survival is silence and stealth, if the nutters cant here you then they will not be looking for you, or your loved ones as you take on the roll of Moses guiding your flock over the waist lands that once was your high street.

They say the destroyer will level everything so shops and stores will be collapsed but still all the goodies will still be under the rubble, so have to hand a good spade, pick and builders gloves for digging you want that food just like every other hungry soul that survived the hammering the destroyer has done to your local Tesco’s.

Transport is a must, now leave those BMW keys alone yeah I know you always wanted a Z4 but a van is your choice the bigger the better and cram as much food as you can, now what you need is tins and lots of them spam, corn beef, stews, veggies, if its in a tin take it, including dog and cat food.

Though a few severed arms and legs for the pets, your more important than them and after all tiddles and Prince can make a good meal if your got nothing else.

Now during the End of the world and yes that means you will no longer be able to watch Eastenders (applause) well unless you have it on disk and your got a telly and solar energy (more later)

What you need now is bartering products now gold is ok, but its not really worth much except for the Dictators and ruffians out there and you don’t want anything to do with them, they might kill and steal your woman/man.

No what you need is the good old bottles of booze whisky and tobacco, these during the apocalypse will be like fucking gold dust say 3months into the end of times, and when your food has run out, booze will be a good when dealing with people who have food for sale, money, gold, family h£ir looms yes aunty gladises rose brooch will mean nothing to these dealers, but booze, and fags will.

After you have packed up your Van with all your hard earned stolen food, you might want to find out what DIY Store has all the tools you need, I leave that to your imagination of what you need.

If possible know where your local gun shop is, now this should be your first port of call, you never know who your going to meet along the way so I go there first and get your self and family tooled up for a fight,

after the big cahoona blows everyone going to want what your got, and you must fight tooth and nail to hold on to it.

Don’t forget the trip to the pharmacy, and load up on all the stuff you might need for those little mishaps, if one of yours happens to kiss a bullet, you need bandages to stop bleeding and it a good idea to have one of those Medical books at hand for open heart surgery like the Idiots guide to surgery and wounds be something to look out for, on your rummage through the devastation as pointed out in the Kolbrin bible.

So now you have a van full to the brim with all sorts of stuff, now if you take my guidance on a place to stay you need to power it, a camping calor gas stove is ok.

But after a month or so, you need to get more canisters and these buggers build up, depending on how many people you have staying with you, and also the fact that all those burners and canisters are like one big fucking bomb, as a stray bullet hits that and its Hello Jesus, as your limbs scatter to the four winds.

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No what you need is something a bit more exotic than a gas bomb, how about a nice windmill, you know the ones you can get from some B&Q stores, that you set up on your lawn and it generates a bit of power, so your going to need batteries so a quite trip to Halfords, another chance to have a five fingered discount.

For get everything else, no not that really cool sound system, its totally bollocked now, the pending doom if its nuclear, would have fried the circuits, just batteries and oils for your engine get the best after all its free, to the person in the pink shirt.

If at all possible and there is enough fellow survivors of the day of doom, I would take the opportunity to go out and grab as much as you can, for the next five to seven days people will be a bit all over the place so stick to out of place supermarkets, like the Sainsbury’s just out of town and scavenger around that place, as usual booze, fags and tins is your object fruit as well since it’s radiated and lasts quite a while, after a week or so I’m sure you will be sick of tins of Spam and Cornbeef a nice apple goes along way, and makes you regular to the poo.

If you do come across people doing the same as you, hence the safety in numbers, keep a respective distance even chat if its more than just a grunt, they could have knowledge and information that might help in your cause, just stick to getting as much as you can in to the back of the van.

Now the Van is your life line, if possible exchange it for the biggest baddest mother you can get your fingers on, unless its nuclear chances are its screwed big time and it will never start, but you got to take your chances unless there is a Mechanic in the house, lets hope so, or it’s a Asda trolley for you and as much as your pockets and bags can carry, though a tricycle might help you if your not able to drive, again Halfords might help here?
So your whole family are going on Tricycle’s so during the coming weeks you can practice and be like the red arrow’s up and down your street, for entertainment value, it make you giggle, but its team building for the coming hoards of Zombies or flesh eating plants that slither and slide towards your un happy face.

So ok lets recap a little your got your wheels, food, weapons, health care products, heat, and a place to stay, if your on your own well that’s hard luck, you should have got out more, cause at night they come the night crawlers, it might take a week or two but they will come, hungry people, and not so nice people, you have to defend what your got, it’s a do or die situation so if your got your windmill powering your little safe haven then you need eyes protecting you, now did you grab the CCTV when you were a plundering Maplins?

No then do not pass go and make sure you do, even with other people taking turns to protect your little acre of gods land, an all seeing eye is a must have, since CCTV can see in the dark you will know when undesirables are coming your way only Zombies are Immune to the all seeing CCTV (I think), its up to you how you deal with them, go by your gut feeling on this one.

As days pass to weeks and weeks to months, and your accepted your fait and your leadership as Master of all that is around you, you have a store of everything you need to survive the calamity you will have to deal with others at some time, now there are many paths you can take, you can be a helper, dictator, or Crazy horse nut job. Its up to you more will follow like how to hunt when the world burns around your ears, how to be a privateer during the apocalypse, and how to be the big cheese and running an empire.

And the most important thing to remember during this time is!

Run run run away!

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