Active silence

It’s nearly two weeks since we split up, for the first week maybe a little more the atmosphere, from me you could cut with a knife, I am and I know it as well, just the simple put down or out of tongue comment and I would get upset, angry, dismayed I would pick a word fight.

Which is something that J is more prepared for her intellect is far more advanced its like a 12 year old trying to take out a 15 year Para veteran… it’s a no brain who would come out on top in that fight.

The fact is I will never win an argument where J is concerned, not that I would intentionally hurt her anyway, one thing I still hold dear is my respect for her no mater what happens.

So I have decided that the best course of action, is instead of trying to be civil, or engage her, I will resort back to my military past, get my head down do the work talk when she talks, do not engage in futile conversation or reminisce.

J has took a few days of work to help get the house in shape, I have finished the kitchen doors sanded down the sides so not a single spec of paint can be found anyway, I did the work in my tool shed, took a flask of tea, and just went back and forth with the doors when they were done, in between walking Obi, cook the food and watch Celtic get beat.

My mind is so constantly active its always ticking over it never stops until at least 3am in the morning then I fall into an uncomfortable sleep, then roll out of the blow up mattress in the cold chilly morning with Obi licking my face, the good thing about laying on the floor once I’m off the floor I cant go back to sleep, it takes around 40 minutes for the pain in my lower back and legs to ease off enough so I can take Obi for his first morning walk.

Now that I have accepted the rejection, I am begging to formulate my plans for the coming next few months, for a start, I will take some of my stuff to Brighton… I plan to stay with my sister over Yule and New Year.

In between feeling like shit, yes I am human after all, not that I feel very human, but during the low point’s I try to make myself look for something positive, to grab hold of, and visualize pushing the though till it fills up my brain with something good like learning to Tango, I love that dance, just hope I can find a partner to practice and learn with or its one of my teddy bears that get the honour.

This has been the I would say one of the worse periods of my life, the loss I feel at times is crushing mentally, physically and spiritually I am so drained, my sleep is practically none existent only exhaustion allows me to rest.

Maybe there is truth in the exclamation of no rest for the wicked, it kind of feels that way when night comes, to keep my wandering thoughts under control I just put on my ear phones and watch Richplanet, Mysterious Universe or play music.

I keep jumping between Newcastle, Skye and Devon from what money comes from the property we own, my money would be on Newcastle I want to buy and sell and make myself a bit of money to do the things I have on my bucket list since now its more urgent than ever, I will not be around in the next 20 years and I like to tick a few boxes before I go.

Perception of Forever

I was born into this life September 22nd 1964 I was not a child who came into the world kicking and screaming as most mothers would say, even then I looked thoughtful and looked like I had a smile on my face.

In the first 8-9 years I thought everything was forever, no beginning or ending, that was until, I met one of my cousins Robert, he was a Scots guard, who was shot in Ireland, I remember so vividly reaching into his coffin and touching his face, how cold it felt to my tiny fingers, not fully understanding what was going on, a few days later he was buried at Hawkhead Cemetery, watching to oak coffin being lowered into the ground, I was attracted to the men in uniform standing to the side of the grave giving a gunned salute to the departed and the bugler blowing the last post.

I was begging to awake, my body becoming aware of time and that a cold body meant dead. Its very easy to fall in to the idea that something is permanent, it will never end, for a very long time it in fact did feel like forever, five years ago, little did I know that my world would literally fall apart, as if fate turned it’s gaze in my direction.

If I really look at my life and I am brutally honest with myself, and ask myself… Am I happy?

The simple yet heart crushing answer is no… My health has suffered out of all of this, I have pushed away the people I love made mistakes and there is a lot of them, time after time there is only so much even the most saintly person can take, I have finally driven my saint/angel away for ever? I always hope, I no longer pray I am truly with out god or any of his creations, but that’s another matter why I have come to that conclusion in life which I will explain at some time.

My emotions are so mixed up at the moment, swinging from rage, sadness, hurt, pain, loss and calmness. I’m not sure from one minute to the next how I will react to external stimulus or what paranoid idea’s and visions in a way I feel mentally ill, which is funny since I spent the better part of my life working in that field and being married to a psychotherapist.

When I was out walking Oberon, I got a call from some health centre with a referral from my doctor, to see a physiatrist and nurse, in order to get back on the Champix because of the side effects and I am already on antidepressants I have to talk to these people for the nod to my doctor to prescribe the drug.

Its not rocket science, but if I truly open up to those people, I’d be sectioned under the mental health act with what is going on at the moment, not to mention that the surgery I am to go to is in bloody Dunmow miles away and at 9:45am… they can go and fuck themselves.

I wonder if hypnosis works for giving up the smokes or not? Not that I can afford such luxury, I can always try to find a hungry therapist and pay them in cup cakes? Sorry its been a while since my last blog, sounds like a confession don’t it lol, I don’t mean to be a stranger to you all but let me say this in the coming months you will see why its been so difficult for me to put finger to keyboard. Love you all, and keep your eyes on the sky… xxx