Active silence

It’s nearly two weeks since we split up, for the first week maybe a little more the atmosphere, from me you could cut with a knife, I am and I know it as well, just the simple put down or out of tongue comment and I would get upset, angry, dismayed I would pick a word fight.

Which is something that J is more prepared for her intellect is far more advanced its like a 12 year old trying to take out a 15 year Para veteran… it’s a no brain who would come out on top in that fight.

The fact is I will never win an argument where J is concerned, not that I would intentionally hurt her anyway, one thing I still hold dear is my respect for her no mater what happens.

So I have decided that the best course of action, is instead of trying to be civil, or engage her, I will resort back to my military past, get my head down do the work talk when she talks, do not engage in futile conversation or reminisce.

J has took a few days of work to help get the house in shape, I have finished the kitchen doors sanded down the sides so not a single spec of paint can be found anyway, I did the work in my tool shed, took a flask of tea, and just went back and forth with the doors when they were done, in between walking Obi, cook the food and watch Celtic get beat.

My mind is so constantly active its always ticking over it never stops until at least 3am in the morning then I fall into an uncomfortable sleep, then roll out of the blow up mattress in the cold chilly morning with Obi licking my face, the good thing about laying on the floor once I’m off the floor I cant go back to sleep, it takes around 40 minutes for the pain in my lower back and legs to ease off enough so I can take Obi for his first morning walk.

Now that I have accepted the rejection, I am begging to formulate my plans for the coming next few months, for a start, I will take some of my stuff to Brighton… I plan to stay with my sister over Yule and New Year.

In between feeling like shit, yes I am human after all, not that I feel very human, but during the low point’s I try to make myself look for something positive, to grab hold of, and visualize pushing the though till it fills up my brain with something good like learning to Tango, I love that dance, just hope I can find a partner to practice and learn with or its one of my teddy bears that get the honour.

This has been the I would say one of the worse periods of my life, the loss I feel at times is crushing mentally, physically and spiritually I am so drained, my sleep is practically none existent only exhaustion allows me to rest.

Maybe there is truth in the exclamation of no rest for the wicked, it kind of feels that way when night comes, to keep my wandering thoughts under control I just put on my ear phones and watch Richplanet, Mysterious Universe or play music.

I keep jumping between Newcastle, Skye and Devon from what money comes from the property we own, my money would be on Newcastle I want to buy and sell and make myself a bit of money to do the things I have on my bucket list since now its more urgent than ever, I will not be around in the next 20 years and I like to tick a few boxes before I go.

Perception of Forever

I was born into this life September 22nd 1964 I was not a child who came into the world kicking and screaming as most mothers would say, even then I looked thoughtful and looked like I had a smile on my face.

In the first 8-9 years I thought everything was forever, no beginning or ending, that was until, I met one of my cousins Robert, he was a Scots guard, who was shot in Ireland, I remember so vividly reaching into his coffin and touching his face, how cold it felt to my tiny fingers, not fully understanding what was going on, a few days later he was buried at Hawkhead Cemetery, watching to oak coffin being lowered into the ground, I was attracted to the men in uniform standing to the side of the grave giving a gunned salute to the departed and the bugler blowing the last post.

I was begging to awake, my body becoming aware of time and that a cold body meant dead. Its very easy to fall in to the idea that something is permanent, it will never end, for a very long time it in fact did feel like forever, five years ago, little did I know that my world would literally fall apart, as if fate turned it’s gaze in my direction.

If I really look at my life and I am brutally honest with myself, and ask myself… Am I happy?

The simple yet heart crushing answer is no… My health has suffered out of all of this, I have pushed away the people I love made mistakes and there is a lot of them, time after time there is only so much even the most saintly person can take, I have finally driven my saint/angel away for ever? I always hope, I no longer pray I am truly with out god or any of his creations, but that’s another matter why I have come to that conclusion in life which I will explain at some time.

My emotions are so mixed up at the moment, swinging from rage, sadness, hurt, pain, loss and calmness. I’m not sure from one minute to the next how I will react to external stimulus or what paranoid idea’s and visions in a way I feel mentally ill, which is funny since I spent the better part of my life working in that field and being married to a psychotherapist.

When I was out walking Oberon, I got a call from some health centre with a referral from my doctor, to see a physiatrist and nurse, in order to get back on the Champix because of the side effects and I am already on antidepressants I have to talk to these people for the nod to my doctor to prescribe the drug.

Its not rocket science, but if I truly open up to those people, I’d be sectioned under the mental health act with what is going on at the moment, not to mention that the surgery I am to go to is in bloody Dunmow miles away and at 9:45am… they can go and fuck themselves.

I wonder if hypnosis works for giving up the smokes or not? Not that I can afford such luxury, I can always try to find a hungry therapist and pay them in cup cakes? Sorry its been a while since my last blog, sounds like a confession don’t it lol, I don’t mean to be a stranger to you all but let me say this in the coming months you will see why its been so difficult for me to put finger to keyboard. Love you all, and keep your eyes on the sky… xxx

It’s all in the wrist!

I’m being cryptic its all in the wrist, mean’s many things to many different people, but to me it’s the way I will hold one of my many tool’s

for working around the garden, I am very hands on when it comes to planting.

And again it’s also how I hold the lead when walking Oberon aka Obi… A funny thing happened on Wednesday morning during Obi’s first morning walk, I chop and change his routine so he don’t get settled on wanting a walk this time, I leave a time frame of 20 min’s before or 20 after, a dog like Obi can be a demanding little pooch. Anyway I rambling, what happened was……

Going down Church Lane, with my lovely Obi he was sniffing around doing his usual routine of peeing at and on particular bushes and pathways, marking his way, there is a house.

I seldom see the people that stay there I know they have 3 dogs two pit bulls and one cocker spaniel, good natured dogs when I have bumped into them, not that often mind you I usually get a distinct un trusting of these dogs.

But as I was passing the gated property the gates started to open, how neat auto gates, a large dark blue Volvo was leaving to visit the local dog poo bin, the bin is located at St Mary’s church down the lane, but on the wing mirror I could see a heavy bag which looked like the woman driver did not notice it, I was frantically pointing to the swinging plastic Tesco bag, she caught my eye and she gave me a look of I don’t talk or take notice of Riff raff, I was shocked by this being an ex nurse working in mental health I can pick up on body gestures so well.

As the car passed me it hit one of the many Pot holes along the length of church land, the bag was dragged under the front wheel and ripped the wing mirror off and the bag and all its shitty content was spread over the road like it was a pâté, she shuddered to an abrupt halt, got out of the car, I kept my composure and said I did try to warn you, as she bent down to pick up all the shit, I did offer her some of my bags since a good few of the bags that was full was burst, and the plastic bag was torn apart.

I did not feel smug or anything but I did giggle going on my merry way to have a chat to Norman my friend at Wheelers farm, when I was coming back with Obi give the woman her dues she cleaned it up really well, and I do have a bit of respect knowing she cleans up after her dogs.

I have been having a great time eating all the strawberries so much so I have run out of Ice Cream big time.

Most of the Carrot’s, Onions, Kale and pea’s are growing at a good steady rate even with all the rain we have been having, there has been a lack of sunshine for the past month, the past two month’s have been the wettest on record, and all this happening on 2012 I just hope the Mayan’s got it wrong with all this end of the world stuff, even with all that water we are still on a hose pipe ban? Or as we call it in Essex the wettest drought ever!

On Tuesday 02/07/12 I have finally finished my trips to the dentist in Sawbridgeworth once and for all, and will not need another appointment for at least a year. Thank God!

Oberon has met two new friends dark brown Labradors one called Sam and the other Ella bring them together and you get salmonella lol I kid you not that’s the name of those dogs the male being much older by at least 2 years over Ella who is only 6 month’s old and as nearly big as Obi, but like good family type dogs not an ounce of aggression, they just want to play and sniff, the parent of Sam said that Lab’s tend to live to eat, and not eat to live was his excuse for Sam being a bit porky.

The begging and end?

I have not blogged in a few weeks not that I am slowing down or have little or no interest in the world at the moment it’s been a difficult time all in all. About 6 weeks ago I had a mini stroke, all down my left side, for a few hours I cannot recall much except I was or felt I was communication with the great hear after, in some way I was able to update my facebook and send a few text’s to the ones I love dearly namely my wife and sister Nicola. Fox came home at once and I was in a terrible state, my words incoherent and garbled, she said I sent her a text message which said I am dieting and send the police in first, and what I meant to say was: I was dieing. It has taken me a good month or so got try and get back to normal, but the fact of the matter is, I feel quite scared and panicky at times I am just glad I am on GTN (Glyceryl Trinitrate spray) This open’s the vessels to the heart pumping more blood and Oxygen around the body, during a stroke the most important thing is oxygen, thank god it was only a mini one any stronger and I would have been dead meat. Since 4 years ago all my health problems started, I never thought I would end up like this, I was fit healthy well not as healthy as I though I was, if I could only give you one bit of advice and hope and pray you accept it is… NEVER SMOKE! Or this will be your next early stop! I have done a fair amount of things I regret in my life, but I would never change any of it except for the day I was offered a cigarette from a school chum Tommy Grady I was only 6 years old at the time. I am now 47 years old so nearly 40 years of smoking myself to death, the addiction is so difficult to give up at times I can feel a rage burning up inside me, so wanting to feel that deadly off white smoke slip down my throat, I must resist if not for the sake of my darling wife and my loyal dog, then it has to be for myself, at times this is difficult… Because a good amount of time I hate myself, then there are the times I feel enlightened enough to see my pit falls, if only life could let me do this all the time from the beginning, I would not be where I am today. But then I would have not learn the lessons I have learned, I would never have seen my beating heart on a camera, nor see the pain in the face of my family, If only my mum had that chance to see the pain her children seen and felt the moment we looked upon her lifeless face for the last time. Sorry I don’t mean to drag you down or anybody as a matter of fact one of the things that has been keeping me away from the computer is my lovely garden and all the veg and fruit I am growing, there are times I can get so carried away with moving from one small project to the next and before I know it is been a whole day that has gone by, anything to help keep my mind of the cigarettes and tobacco. Every morning I look on to our car port, for a car its rather large approximate 20ftx20ft maybe more, but its got a huge collection of weeds and algae on the stone work, this morning I decided to tackle it with some weed killer the thought of hoeing that lot is um a wee bit of putting, and I would rather be in the back garden doing all the nice stuff. We have had so much rain but over the past week its been sunny sometimes very sunny like today, and all my melons, squashes and pumpkins are looking so good even my little UFO squash is looking great and has the sighs of growth of fruits. As usual my strawberries are doing magnificent, for the first time this season I was able to pick and eat one solitary rip fruit and it was extremely sweet and juicy, I am so looking forward to baking strawberry tarts and Ice cream over the coming months. My potatoes this year I have only grown 3 sacks which is a disappointment, but the carrots and Onions more than make up for the loss of them. Fox got me a new Blueberry bush a few weeks ago, which is already in production which happened after I put it into a new pot with a healthy filling of ericaceous soil. So I going to keep this blog short and sweet and get back to my garden again, on one note I think I might have seen another UFO, the video you can’t see anything but I took a couple of pictures of the craft what do you think?

It’s been a while.

Like the title its been a while since I last blogged, its not that I have been overly busy just a lot on my mind, since December when I had the heart scan at the UCLH (University College London Hospital) and my nuclear medicine appointment and the doctor at Bishop Stortford deciding if they are going to open me up or not?

Well I got the results a few days ago and it’s a tricky one, they are not going to do the operation which is good but only be cause they first want to try and fix it all with medication, and I have not been having chest pains for sometime, the doctor mind set if its not broken then don’t fix it, I agree.

A bit of street news since Dale farm was closed down a few months ago, the travellers that have been moved out have scattered and we have noticed a slight in crease in crime nothing too bad no violence but the post office owner Cogan has had his Mercedes van hit 2 times in the space of 2 weeks the cataleptic converter being the object of thieving hands desire.

And Mr Newman’s shed (the local gardener and tree surgeon) also was broken into and the chains for his chain saws being taken a fair amount around half a dozen and 20 gallons of petrol, he keeps spare, also there is one of the farmers who stores unused buses on his land the diesel from several of the buses have been nicked as well as heating Oil from tanks, being sold on for a cheaper price, the police and residents are now looking for a strange looking transit type van.

I too have found a few strange things even the metal thieves are about, the bridge at the bottom of Church land has been stolen, and this was reported to the police and council who have dealt with this problem very fast kudos to them.

It really hits home noting is sacred anymore, I mean the bridge the water is deep and considering it comes from Standstead Airports sewers its not very clean, a child could easily fall into its murky waters, and quickly be lost to sight it its rapid moving waters.

So much so that on the 11th April there was a Police Community meeting at the village hall, and the shock of that was there was only 4 of the street residents that attended most of the people came from Matching Green and Hatfield Heath and a few from Lower Sheering which we call the estate.

One good thing to come of it was I was able to join the local Neighbourhood watch, which covers the whole area, and I got some stickers for the window and a no cold callers sticker for the front door, as part of making our home more secure I have installed the CCTV in the kitchen and so we can see from the front room with out being seen, so we can decide on if we want to open the door or not, moving the whole thing took a fair bit of doing and I had to use a fair amount of extending wire so the thing could stretch around the cottage.

I think enough of the negative stuff and a little positive involvement now! For the past 4 weeks I been planting my seeds and getting my strawberry’s ready for planting the S are already out on the frame at the back of the garden and in one planter, fingers crossed I get a bumper harvest a few times this year, already they are showing signs of lots of flowers which turn to strawberry’s soon after. The onions are doing well, I have germinated the seeds and I’m not starting to put them into individual plugs a few at a time so I can make them stretch a little more, and get more from my garden. This year I am going to try and plant the Alys Fowler way and mix veg and plants together to get more out of the garden, I have melons, carrots and soon Turnips in lots of seed trays as well as some flowers that Fox loves namely Lavender and some Honesty purple and white.

I was thinking of getting a small green house you know the one you can get for under £10 and put it in the back of the garden so it can get the full sun, which gives me the chance to grow more plants and get more growing, also this year I might get a few tomato plants growing since we or Fox tends to use a lot of tomatoes in her food and we use them in making our curry, so far we only have two but I plan to get a little more maybe 8 plants and 3-4 different varieties cooking, salad and eating raw.

More than ever I really want to stop buying vegetables from the supermarket this year and see how much I can grow myself, I have noticed that a lot of veg and fruit is tasteless and in some cases very bitter when you bite into them, I am looking forward to home made pies and crumbles thought out the summer and autumn and fingers crossed the winter.

Obi has met a new friend called Archie a Norfolk terrier a absolutely delightful little chap, the have been walking together playing with chickens and giving the said birds a ride on his back and being pecked by the feathered ladies.

Since the bridge has been cordoned off it can no longer take the weight of cars or vans the structure is falling apart and the council said that it will take up to 18 months to repair, more and more dog walkers have been using Church lane as a dog path, which is great on one hand but its starting to get another name from some of the more responsible owners and companions of our 4 legged friends… Dog shit lane.

To say its been dry is an understatement during March we have seen tee-shirt weather lovely long walks in the Countryside me and Obi have just about got everywhere possible but come April and remember there is a hose pipe ban no in full force for the past week from Monday 16th to Monday the 23rd it’s rained so much surely there cant be a hose pipe ban after all that water? Still I don’t want to test the water and end up with a £1000 fine (no pun intended lol)

We are now on our 8th day of constant rain it really is April showers all the way, Obi as well as me got soaked but we met up with Archie who was in his little Jacket so both dogs went for a walk around the high lane and church lanes, both dogs wrapped up in there self’s peeing sniffing and generally being dogs.